Tired AF
It’s Monday and I’m utterly exhausted. No one tells you how much energy it takes to hold space for your children when they’re sick. Not only that, but how much energy it takes to manage the worry, and the guilt.
Could I have done more? Is it my fault? Did I not treat his illness aggressively enough in the beginning? Could this all have been avoided? When he got a cold over two weeks ago, I hadn’t budgeted the energy to still be at it now. It was just a cold. Kids get colds. His sister was better in a few days. Why isn’t he?
The Ugly Truth
Part of me feels resentful. I haven’t slept well having to closely monitor him to make sure it doesn’t get worse. Every sound, every peep wakes me. My nervous system is on high alert. Constantly checking in, intently listening. We’re doing breathing treatments, fever checks, and several rounds of supplements and cough medicine all day long. My husband has been working overtime and the nanny hasn’t been wanting to come. So I’ve been at it alone. Feeling the toll it has taken on me today.
Another part feels helpless. The realization that at the end of the day, we can’t protect them from everything. Our children are their own sovereign beings with their own paths they must walk in this life. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I think it’s this knowing that I’ve been resisting. It’s hard to feel it all. It’s so much easier to take for granted when things are well and good, and forget these truths. I’ve been desperately wanting to skip to that part.
Fallen Behind
I’ve kept up with the kitchen duties, but other than that I’ve done the bare minimum all weekend. There will definitely be some catching up this week. Laundry to do for sure. Grocery shopping. But now that he’s getting better and the nanny will be here the next couple of days, I can take some time to take care of me. The rest of it can wait.
All I wanted this weekend was a healthy child, a good meal, and some time to myself to write. I’ve been angry that I couldn’t have those things. Doing my best not to fall into a shame hole of berating myself for the seeming selfishness of it. That would only make it all worse. It’s not selfish to want to take care of ourselves. I have to constantly remind myself of that.
There’s No Hood Like Motherhood
Some may read this and think I’m complaining. I’m not. I’m just being honest about how it all really feels. I think we aren’t honest enough about the ugly sides of motherhood. Just because I love my children, doesn’t mean being a mom doesn’t suck sometimes. Doesn’t mean that my own neglected inner children don’t feel some type of way, for the care I’m giving my kids that I never received. It hurts. In so many ways sometimes.
A Revelation
Ultimately I do think times like these are the real miracle. To be confronted with our hidden grief and pain gives those parts an opportunity to be seen and held and alchemized. These challenging moments will all pass. We will return once again to blissful ignorance and forget what it is like to suffer. If we miss the beauty of these moments, we are missing something crucial to our evolution.
Taking Care
My weekend was not awesome and we aren’t in the clear quite yet. We are heading in the right direction at least. In the meantime I will count my blessings, because there really are so many. I am grateful for this life, even when I have cause to hate it. There’s a spoiled little brat inside of all of us, but all that she wants is to be loved and cared for too. I can really see that now. That’s what I’m going to do.