I used to be a highly sexual woman. It was overt, unapologetic, and ever flowing. Somewhere along the way I lost the ability to honor my body without question. Past trauma surely contributed, but the spiritual teachings I stumbled upon in my desperate search to “fix” the results of that trauma, exacerbated the issue exponentially.
You don’t realize it when you’re in it, just how masculine the teachings really are. How little they honor the physical body. How little they respect our human nature. It’s subtle, but the new age spirituality industry is no better than the dogmatic religions they scoff at.
They preach that one must leave behind all that makes us human, in order to reach nirvana. They teach that the whole purpose of this spiritual journey is to transcend the flesh. How is that any different than the patriarchal churches who tell you that your body, and all of it’s hungers are sinful? How is it different than the priests who tell you that if you succumb to your physical yearnings, that you will be damned for all of eternity? It isn’t any different at all.
The reason I turned to the path of embodiment is because of this. For all the nearly two decades that I devoted my life to enlightenment teachings, I was no better off. In fact, one could argue that I was worse off. At least before, I could allow my desire to fully flow through me. Before, I enjoyed the magic of this human bodily experience. Sure, it lead me down some pretty dark roads too, but at least I could still feel ecstasy in my humaness.
Even the community that I’ve been a part of for nearly a year, has sneaky patterns of the “spiritual path to salvation”. I see the rigid adherence to practices and ideals. A my way is the only way kind of stance. Yes of course there are objective truths, but even those will not apply to everyone. I think any teacher that does anything other than help you get in touch with your own truth, has a hidden agenda. They may not even be aware of it themselves. But it’s in there.
I’ve long since lost any inclination to have a soap box of any kind. I don’t believe anyone has to do anything specific to have a better experience. I don’t believe that anyone is doing anything wrong. Nobody has to be fixed. Nobody is broken. It’s actually made it quite difficult to show up and share what I know. I don’t know what you need, only you can know that. All I can do is offer you the tools that I have at my disposal, so you can try them out for yourself.
I’ve never actually considered myself a teacher as much as a messenger. I do communicate and translate teachings, but nothing I offer is ever to say that anyone should follow it. In fact, I encourage you to treat anything that I teach as an opportunity to do your own research.
Test out the theories and practices for yourself. Do your own scientific process with it. If I have learned anything in all these years with countless teachers, is that only you know what’s right for you. Everyone you come across may have a piece of the puzzle for you, but no one has them all. Even if you find a teacher that you resonate strongly with, there will still be aspects of their philosophy that isn’t actually for you.
The more popular the teacher is, the more likely this is true. It would be impossible for them to speak to all of the exceptions on an individual basis, so their teachings are geared towards the majority in the group. If you happen to be an outlier, like I always seem to be, most of what they are saying won’t apply to you. It can be wildly confusing. It can also be incredibly lonely to be on a path all your own. When you find somewhere that you finally think you fit into, it can be extremely difficult to let go and follow your own compass.
Unfortunately, we have been taught to obey authority blindly. Even if we have worked to dismantle that, there are still threads of it in us. It is easy to give your power away to a teacher who has offered you good medicine, or given you insights that have helped you significantly along your path. You don’t even realize that you’re doing it half of the time. I certainly didn’t. It has been hard to admit that even the absolute best teachers I’ve ever had, could not be the end all be all answer for me.
What I’m noticing recently is that I have to trust myself above all else. That my inner knowing is the thing that I must follow at all times. That I have to stay vigilant, and question everything that comes my way. That I have to put everything through rigorous testing, before I accept it as truth. That sometimes, even someone with greater authority on a specific topic, still never has more authority over what is true for me than myself.
I am here as a guide, to help you find your own path. Nothing I teach is meant to sway you from that. If something you come across in my teachings isn’t true for you, don’t do it. If you think perhaps you are simply in resistance to the thing, then we can work together, and figure out what’s in the way for you. Sometimes, the ego doesn’t want the transformation or the change that will occur, if you accept the new truth. Sometimes that truth, is just not true for you. Learning the nuances of your resistance is key.
I find that a lot of people that are drawn to my spaces, are much further along the path than they realize. They are highly evolved souls and star seeds, that actually do not need the mainstream spiritual teachings that are so popular right now. Something may be excellent medicine, but if you don’t have the medical condition that it treats, it can actually cause you more harm than good. Many spiritual teachings out there are like this. You have to ask yourself if you actually need what is being served.
I personally spent a lot of time and energy beating my head up against the wall, wondering why certain practices and teachings didn’t work for me. The truth was that I had long integrated what they are meant to teach. It’s like a nuclear physicist being told that they must take an arithmetic course or they won’t be good at their job. It may be fun to revisit it once or twice, but to continue to feel obligated to practice basic equations over and over again would actually hold them back from their real work.
I don’t know if that’s the greatest metaphor, but that has been my experience. I suspect that it could be yours as well. It isn’t that what you are practicing isn’t working, it’s that practices are meant to be transcended. Once something becomes integrated into your lived experience, it makes no sense to remove oneself from living a concept, to practice it separately from life again. There are definitely times when this is necessary, but once that particular skill is improved upon, it is best to reintegrate it into the whole and continue living your life.
It’s like the difference between being a student and being a professional. If someone completes their course of study, and are competent to work in their field, it would be incredibly frustrating to their spirit to have to remain in college instead of taking their knowledge out into the real world. Spiritual teachings are no different. Eventually, you will have to “graduate” and start your professional career as a human being.
Of course, you will want to remain open to learning and growing. Of course you will want to take seminars and workshops to improve your craft whenever it calls to you. But the majority of your learning must be on the job at some point. Schooling is to prepare you for the real life experiences of living your craft. The mastery comes in doing it. Mentors and guides are excellent resources for when you get stuck somewhere, but if you find yourself clipping your own wings so you can stay in their cozy nest, you need to get the hell out of there.
I have to say, the tendency for people to stay under a teacher’s wing long after they should be flying on their own, is the main reason that I’m hesitant to be more open with what I do. If you want somewhere you can post up and get comfortable, I’m not the teacher for you. What I offer is a pit stop. An informational booth and practice range, so you can get back to the real business of living your life.
Young babies, as dependent as they are, don’t need mother’s milk forever. You my beautiful human, do not need spiritual teachings forever either. Know when you have outgrown something, and move on to the next phase of your life. Sometimes the teacher you have found will evolve and change at your pace. A lot of times, they won’t. All communities and teachers hold a specific frequency. They have specific tools and medicine that they offer. Once you’ve received it, it makes no sense to get back in that same line over and over again. It will do you no good to get 10 more hammers, if what you really need next is a wrench.
Life is meant to be lived. Spiritual teachings and practices are to allow you to live a better life. They aren’t meant to be your whole life. For some of you, the spirituality industry is your life’s work. A professor goes to school every day, that’s their job. In that case, it’s fine. But if you’re a 30 year old high school senior, you need to let go and move the hell on.
You might think it’s strange that I am telling you this. But I’m not financially dependent upon these teachings as a business. As such, I don’t have any subtle ego trappings of needing to keep butts in the seats. I honestly feel that if you stick around too long, I’m probably doing something wrong. I have absolutely no interest in keeping you around, after I’ve delivered what you came here for. I want you to get off this train when you hit your next stop, so you can get to where you are ultimately heading.
If we’re still heading the same direction, then stay on a while longer. Eventually though, we will have to go our separate ways. It’s inevitable. Very few of you will travel with me to the end of the line. An incredibly small few. Don’t miss your stop because you don’t want to start over on the next train. The only thing constant about life is change. If you aren’t changing, you aren’t living.